Archives

March 2023

Clashes in the Streets as Student Elections Approach

February 2023

Altgeld Bells Stop Tolling, No Longer Signaling to the Mothership

"ChatGPT, write me a funny UIUC themed article"

High Percentage of CS Majors Allergic to Grass

As Another Student Apartment High Rise Goes Up on Green Street, Campus Administration Hopes It’s Enough so That Students Don't Remember That They Aren't in a Real City

“Hail to the Orange” Snubbed for Grammys for 112th Year In a Row

January 2023

Raising Cane's to Open Soon(ish)

Paparazzi Continue To Bother Alma

Mysterious Ghost Accused of Stealing Roommates' Food, Leaving Messes

Special News Bulletin: Despite Heavy Snow, Campus Remains Open, Classes Will Meet We-AAH!

UIUC Changes Mascot to Sexy Orange M&M

City of Champaign Closes Green Street to Pedestrian Traffic

Elementary Education Student Shocked to Find Out She Has to Work with Children

December 2022

Heartbreaking: The Only Professor for This Class Is on the Bottom of the GPA Visualization

UIUC Very Well-Endowed

UIUC Just Got its First Case of the Plague in 800 Years and Students Are Freaking Out, but not like Freaking Out Freaking Out

Bowling Balls On Strike

Out of Shape Sophomore Creates a 12 Step Program to Get You Fit

All of John Bardeen’s Nobel Prizes, Ranked

November 2022

Following Recent Technological Breakthrough in Lab Window, Scientists Promise to Be More Careful with Lab Equipment

October 2022

In Bid to Regain National Relevance, University Faculty Recruiting for New Serial Killer

Student Found Crushed Under Avalanche of Late Work, Drafts for Nightly Illini Articles in Hand

May 2022

University Decides that All Dropouts will Receive a "Participation Trophy"

Breaking: The Chess Board in the Altgeld Display Case is Set Up Sideways

No Books Checked Out on Reading Day

Dragon Found Hoarding Out-of-State Students' Extra Money

Law Students Big Fans of Congressional Deadlock

Presidential Lounge in the Union Plays Instrumental Role in Building Students' Confidence

Students Mean to Go to the Spurlock Museum Sometime. They Never Will

April 2022

University of Alabama Responds to Barn Dance Controversy by Holding Urban Dances

UIUC Announces Opening of Rod Blagojevich School of Public Policy

Natural Light Implicated in Habitat-Destroying Beer Spill

Should You Climb That Tree on the Quad? An Expert Weighs In

Spike in Inflation for the Dining Dollar Presents Mounting Challenges for the Jones Administration

Two Students From the Same High School Successfully Ignore Each Other

Local Squirrel Bored by People-Watching Club

Socially Conscious Sophomore a Bit Concerned About Barn Dances

Students Challenge the University's Neutral Stance on Carbon

University Unveils New Brick Building

“Heartbreaking”: A Single Bike Tire Chained to a Bike Rack Outside Allen Hall

Cool Professor Excited to Hop on the Gravy Train

Gies Students Prepare for Their Annual Northern Migration as Temperatures Increase

Covid Infected Student Refuses to Leave Isolation

Freshman Can’t Wait to Turn 19 so He Can Soberly Stand in Champaign Bars

ISG President Thanks Empty Crowd

That Guy in Your Bracket Pool Who Had Houston Winning It All Still Very Smug

Opinion: Should The ISR Dining Hall Playlist Manager Be Given a "Fat Raise"?

Study Finds 0% Satisfaction Rate For 8am Chem Lab

University Administration Unveils New Plan to Protect Tour Groups

Mom’s Weekend Marked by 3000% Increase in "Your Mom" Jokes on Campus

The Nightly Illini Launches!!