In Bid to Regain National Relevance, University Faculty Recruiting for New Serial Killer
Following the success of Netflix’s new show, “Monster”, a drama that follows the story of serial killer Jeffery Dahmer, the university has decided to recruit a serial killer of its own in a bid to regain national relevance. The university is accepting applicants from around the country, with special priority for killers targeting minority or otherwise vulnerable populations.
To aid in the search for young talent, UIUC has sent scouts to juvies and some of the top dysfunctional families across the country. “Watching these future nationwide phenomena in the making is really inspiring,” said one talent scout.
The university is reportedly finalizing talks with both their front running serial killer candidate and some potential victims and families of victims regarding the rights to the inevitable tv show/true crime podcast/documentary, though out of concern for the safety of the killer, the university has declined to release the name or M.O. of their candidate.
The administration believes strongly that by selecting the right candidate, it can make thoughts of UIUC consume the heads and hearts of America.