Dragon Found Hoarding Out-of-State Students' Extra Money
A rumble overtook campus today. Buildings shook and that one student in the back of lecture woke up. Incidentally, an old man reported having the time of his life on his rocking chair. The source of this strange happening was found by a student named Eliot in the basement of Illini Hall.
“I always wanted to see what was inside Illini Hall, but the doors were always locked. What’s with that by the way? It’s such a cool building and the whole school is named after it but it’s never open. One time I saw someone…” Eliot continued to ramble enthusiastically about Illini Hall for 10 more minutes.
“Anyways, when all of campus started shaking, the doors fell open so I just had to see what was inside. In the basement I found a knockoff Smaug with orange and blue scales guarding a modest pile of checks made out to UIUC. He made me sing ‘Hail to the Orange’ then he started a clearly rehearsed monologue about how out-of-state and international students are going to make him the richest dragon in the country,” Eliot explained.
“Knockoff Smaug said that the money from charging out-of-state students so much extra in tuition goes straight to him. When I pointed out that money should be going to the school, he responded, ‘It really doesn’t cost us any more to educate out-of-state students. All that extra money’s got to go somewhere.’”
As news of this revelation reached students, the administration announced that they don’t plan on making tuition equitable for all students, as knockoff Smaug must be appeased.