Altgeld Bells Stop Tolling, No Longer Signaling to the Mothership
As students walk around campus today they will assuredly notice a lack of the signature ring of the Altgeld bells. Sunday saw great crowds gathering around the building as the tower played an assortment of songs before giving a last farewell “Hail to the Orange.” Altgeld, according to the government, is closing for renovations to the ceiling, roof, and Dairy Queen of the building; however, a keen-eyed correspondent for the Nightly Illini noticed late Monday night men-in-black soliciting the campus icon.
After rigorous investigation and copious caffeine consumption, the correspondent came to the conclusion that Altgeld was actually a colonization scout sent down by an alien species to monitor the campus. He was also convinced that due to the advanced technologies used by the ship’s bells, it was directly responsible for his poor performance in ENGL 116 essay.
“Those bells,” he hurriedly gasped out, “are actually high frequency signal amplifiers used to send messages to the Mothership on the status of the entire student body. Luckily they have gone silent now, but who knows what that entails…” Before the Nightly Illini could further interview him, the correspondent ran out of the Green Street McDonald’s.
The Jones’ administration has been silent to comment on knowledge of this nefarious conspiracy. Luckily, Professor Robert Roswell of Alien Migration was happy to respond to our inquiry: “please don’t send jokes to my work email.” Truly frightening indeed.
All we can do now is wait and see. This is a late-night reporter for the Nightly Illini, keeping eyes to the sky, ending transmission.