UIUC Announces Opening of Rod Blagojevich School of Public Policy
Following an anonymous donation of $200 million to the university trust, as well as donations of undisclosed values to the accounts of several high ranking members of the university administration, the University of Illinois at Urbana Champaign has finalized its decision to open a new college focusing exclusively on public policy.
At a press conference following the announcement, a representative of the university made bold promises regarding the new college, declaring that their classes will be “unparalleled by any law-abiding university” and that they will “help students achieve their goals by any means possible”. Indeed, the university has already secured the ability for future students to obtain working experience through partnerships with several nationally prominent politicians.
New buildings planned for the college include a fake prison, which the university touts as “a way to prepare students for any real world scenario, no matter how unlikely”, as well as a field of shallow graves already dug, waiting to be filled with the bodies of suicide victims who died in improbable ways.
The university also addressed some concerns regarding the new college. In response to questions raised about morality, the university gave the following statement:
“Well, you raise a great question about that, and I think it’s one that is really important to our core values as an institution of higher education. In these challenging times, the question you asked is especially important, so I want to let you know that we are carefully considering the answers to these questions. Now more than ever, we really have to work together to reach our goals, which include providing students from all backgrounds and identities an equitable and fair environment for learning. By the way, did you know that Tim Killeen caught COVID-19?”
Further questions were met with accusations of being un-American, as well as a variety of pleas to “consider the children” who might be deprived of such a world-class education should the college be canceled.