UIUC Just Got its First Case of the Plague in 800 Years and Students Are Freaking Out, but not like Freaking Out Freaking Out
René Thomas contracted the bubonic plague while messing around with an electron microscope and some virus samples with some friends. “It’s amazing what you can buy on Amazon these days,” said the junior biology student.
The plague promises to feast on the vitality of the campus’ youth, leaving nothing but empty husks in its wake. René will soon experience gangrene, swollen buboes, and intense sickness.
This news predictably weighs heavily on the minds of students. “When I heard René got the plague, I started totally freaking out. Not like freaking out freaking out. I mean it’s 2022 who even cares about the plague anymore. It still sucks for him though,” said Lindsey, a friend of René.
With René’s careless actions, the scourge of the pestilence has risen its 800 year slumber to wreak havoc on a scale never before seen. Students are encouraged to wear masks and stuff their pockets full of posies to ward off the evil menace of the Black Death.
These guidelines are getting some pushback from the students. “Preventative measures are like, so 2020. Sorry not sorry,” said Olivia. “You guys seriously want me to walk around wearing a mask like some latter-day hippy?? And posies are basic AF by the way.”
One can only hope that life will return to normal as soon as possible.