University Administration Unveils New Plan to Protect Tour Groups
In the face of a recent surge in crime on campus, university tour guides have opted for a bold new solution to protect prospective visitors: giving each visitor a complimentary handgun, along with 12 bullets.
This innovative new policy promises to completely deter criminals and various undesirables, such as harassers, solicitors, the homeless, and students still afraid to die, from entering a 20 meter radius around tour groups, ensuring complete safety.
Our correspondent was capable of reaching Mr. Shoot, head of public relations and chief architect of this new policy, who noted the necessity of this measure, saying, “Danger could strike any moment that visitors are on campus”, while citing the 21 reported instances of firearm discharge since the policy was instituted yesterday.
Responses to further questions were precluded, as Mr. Shoot became belligerent and reached towards his hip, at which point our brave correspondent quickly excused themselves from the room.