As Another Student Apartment High Rise Goes Up on Green Street, Campus Administration Hopes It’s Enough so That Students Don't Remember That They Aren't in a Real City
This morning the city of Champaign elected to replace the decrepit Illini Hall with another student apartment highrise named “The Provost.” The new building, to be owned by Wright Street American Realty Town Rentals, serves two purposes according to campus spokespeople: firstly, to increase housing options around campus and, secondly, to give students another chance at forgetting that they aren’t in a real city.
“We are aware that our campus attracts a variety of students hailing all sorts of large cities; from Chicago suburbs to the Bay Area all the way to large cities in Asia like Taiwan” said one council member. He later elaborated, “It is the Jones administration's hope that through erecting more towers, increasing light pollution, and only building bubble tea shops, we can trick students from these densely populated areas into thinking that we have a shining metropolis in a corn field.
The Director of Housing at UIUC, Alma Sealine, commented “When I can’t sleep I like to take long walks in the night. I look up at the lights of these magnificent skyscrapers I’ve approved and unload my handgun in random directions. Anything to make these kids feel like they are in a real city.”
“The administration had a rousing success last year in regards to tricking Ava Max, and we were hoping to replicate it with other C-list celebrities and the incoming class of 2027” said another council member. We here at the Nightly Illini wish them luck.