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Clashes in the Streets as Student Elections Approach

March 22, 2023

Another bloody brawl ensued outside the Union as Anarcho-McGuire-Koscielskists faced off Gajjela Restorationist counter protesters ahead of the upcoming student elections. Seemingly matching the division of our nation, so too is the student body deeply entrenched in political upheaval. After the scandal of the last regime, culminating in a so-called “special election” that many still see as illegitimate, all eyes are on the Orange and Blue House for who will now head our campus.

“ISG is expecting a record turnout, maybe even double digits,” said one election official, “the stakes couldn’t be higher.” Chambana Police is also gearing up, stockpiling riot gear and training officers to handle the impending mob. The chief had this to say: “We will maintain law and order, but there’s no telling what will happen once Kam’s cover reaches $20.”

Air temperature is rising just like the political climate and there’s no telling what could happen next.

Altgeld Bells Stop Tolling, No Longer Signaling to the Mothership

February 28, 2023

As students walk around campus today they will assuredly notice a lack of the signature ring of the Altgeld bells. Sunday saw great crowds gathering around the building as the tower played an assortment of songs before giving a last farewell “Hail to the Orange.” Altgeld, according to the government, is closing for renovations to the ceiling, roof, and Dairy Queen of the building; however, a keen-eyed correspondent for the Nightly Illini noticed late Monday night men-in-black soliciting the campus icon.

After rigorous investigation and copious caffeine consumption, the correspondent came to the conclusion that Altgeld was actually a colonization scout sent down by an alien species to monitor the campus. He was also convinced that due to the advanced technologies used by the ship’s bells, it was directly responsible for his poor performance in ENGL 116 essay.

“Those bells,” he hurriedly gasped out, “are actually high frequency signal amplifiers used to send messages to the Mothership on the status of the entire student body. Luckily they have gone silent now, but who knows what that entails…” Before the Nightly Illini could further interview him, the correspondent ran out of the Green Street McDonald’s.

The Jones’ administration has been silent to comment on knowledge of this nefarious conspiracy. Luckily, Professor Robert Roswell of Alien Migration was happy to respond to our inquiry: “please don’t send jokes to my work email.” Truly frightening indeed.

All we can do now is wait and see. This is a late-night reporter for the Nightly Illini, keeping eyes to the sky, ending transmission.

"ChatGPT, write me a funny UIUC themed article"

February 13, 2023

Attention all UIUC students: it's time to face the cold, hard truth. No, not the fact that winter has arrived and it's only going to get colder. I'm talking about something much more important - the fact that we all know at least one person who wears Illini gear every single day. You know who I'm talking about - that one guy who rocks the orange and blue from head to toe, no matter what the occasion.

Now, don't get me wrong. There's nothing wrong with showing your school spirit. But sometimes, it can get a little out of hand. I mean, have you ever seen someone wearing an Illini hoodie, an Illini hat, and Illini sweatpants all at the same time? It's like they're trying to tell the world, "Yes, I go to UIUC. Yes, I bleed orange and blue. And yes, I own way too much Illini gear."

Now, "Nightly Illini," you ask, "Isn't copy pasting from ChatGPT both pointless and soulless? Why even bother publishing if anybody can get the same result from a simple eight word prompt?"

Blah, blah, blah, some canned GPT response about how GPT is different from copying and pasting I don't care about, and I couldn't even be bothered to feed your prompt back into the machine, or finish this article. Editor, send this article back into chatGPT and make it funny instead being the echo of my last fucks to give escaping my body.

High Percentage of CS Majors Allergic to Grass

February 11, 2023

A new study from the National Institute of Astrological Health (NIAH), conducted on 1,000 Computer Science undergraduate students at UIUC, has found that 99.9% of Computer Science majors are actually allergic to grass.

“Grass allergies arise from pollen, causing an immune response,” one researcher explained. “It is one of the most common allergens in the United States, affecting up to 30% of the US population.”

However, the NIAH researchers found that 999 out of the 1,000 study’s participants had a negative response to the allergen, a ratio that is over three times higher than the national average.

“The students began sweating profusely and emitting strange body odors”, the study stated. “Prolonged grass exposure caused the students to wither away and melt.”

Furthermore, grass also seemed to have an intense psychological impact on the students.

When placed in the sunlight and grass for a long period of time, the students began to grow increasingly agitated and distressed. They began to threaten the researchers to end the study, shouting things such as “You can’t do this to me, I’m a former Meta SWE Intern“ and “my total comp is more than yours”.

The 1 CS student who did not have a negative response to grass was later discovered to only be a CS minor.

“We think that CS minors don’t count,” said the researchers.

So far, the reaction to the study has been positive.

“I feel seen,” said one sophomore in CS, “Everyone kept on telling me to touch grass before this study came out, so I feel vindicated by this study.”

“It would also be great if a study could explain why I don’t have a girlfriend,” added another CS major.

As Another Student Apartment High Rise Goes Up on Green Street, Campus Administration Hopes It’s Enough so That Students Don't Remember That They Aren't in a Real City

February 8, 2023

This morning the city of Champaign elected to replace the decrepit Illini Hall with another student apartment highrise named “The Provost.” The new building, to be owned by Wright Street American Realty Town Rentals, serves two purposes according to campus spokespeople: firstly, to increase housing options around campus and, secondly, to give students another chance at forgetting that they aren’t in a real city.

“We are aware that our campus attracts a variety of students hailing all sorts of large cities; from Chicago suburbs to the Bay Area all the way to large cities in Asia like Taiwan” said one council member. He later elaborated, “It is the Jones administration's hope that through erecting more towers, increasing light pollution, and only building bubble tea shops, we can trick students from these densely populated areas into thinking that we have a shining metropolis in a corn field.

The Director of Housing at UIUC, Alma Sealine, commented “When I can’t sleep I like to take long walks in the night. I look up at the lights of these magnificent skyscrapers I’ve approved and unload my handgun in random directions. Anything to make these kids feel like they are in a real city.”

“The administration had a rousing success last year in regards to tricking Ava Max, and we were hoping to replicate it with other C-list celebrities and the incoming class of 2027” said another council member. We here at the Nightly Illini wish them luck.

“Hail to the Orange” Snubbed for Grammys for 112th Year In a Row

February 6, 2023

For the last 65 years, the Grammys have been a prestigious award, honoring the best songs of the year. However, this prestige comes with significant controversy, as critics perceive elitism and bad decisions behind every unpopular winner and each unexpected snub. However, this year, these criticisms have come to a head, as the Grammys have committed their greatest sin so far:

Refusing to honor the UIUC official song, "Hail to the Orange".

Indeed, this song's one hundred year old legacy that predates the Grammys itself has somehow failed to be noticed by the Academy, in a move we can only attribute to malice. How could they fail to honor the university ranked as the 41st best by US News and World Report? Did they not notice that our football team is having an above average season? Where is the credit given to our prestigious top ten ranking in party schools? Surely these things merit at least a nomination.

This year marks the last straw, as it seems like the Grammys will never shed their century-long anti-Illini bias. In response, I call upon all readers to disregard the Grammys and their fraudulent awards, and seek bluer and oranger pastures elsewhere.

Raising Cane's to Open Soon(ish)

January 31, 2023

Raising Cane’s is officially waiting to open until construction is finished, staff is hired, and there is peace in the Middle East. “We just really want to make sure we are ready for this grand opening,” said the store manager. According to inside sources, the much anticipated restaurant Raising Cane’s will indeed be opening soon(ish). “You didn’t hear it from me, but word on the street is that the planned opening date is February 28th, 1.7×10¹⁰⁶ CE, shortly before the heat death of the universe,” said our informant.

This concrete date will surely hearten the many Caniacs anticipating the grand opening. There is already a line of people camping outside the building to be the first to gaze out into the endless void while enjoying the restaurant’s delicious Texas Toast. “I think that after the stars burn out, the black holes evaporate, and the very fabric of our existence decays, some chicken fingers will really hit,” said one camper.

Reportedly, the Cane’s plans to celebrate the opening by giving out copies of Half-Life 3. This is exciting news indeed.

Paparazzi Continue To Bother Alma

January 30, 2023

The Alma statue has a storied history as a campus landmark, standing tall on campus for nearly a hundred years. From where it currently resides in front of Altgeld Hall, it welcomes visitors to the campus from near and far, earning it no small measure of fame.

However, this fame comes at a steep cost. Paparazzi and various gawkers harass the statue with pictures and selfies at almost all hours of the day. Without any respite, Alma is forced to continuously pose in place for days, or even months at a time. To make matters worse, rumors on campus abound of a 24 hour camera fixed on Alma, continuously broadcasting any tiny action to the whole world. This intense scrutiny represents a brutal invasion of privacy, and we should take some time to remember that, despite its fame, Alma is just another 10,000 pound bronze statue, no different from you and me.

The Nightly Illini was unable to reach Alma for comment before publication. However, we remain certain that the statue would object, if it weren't being silenced by the university, who allegedly sponsors such invasions of privacy.

Mysterious Ghost Accused of Stealing Roommates' Food, Leaving Messes

January 26, 2023

Denizens of one apartment on Green Street have been struggling with mysterious food disappearances over the last 6 months. Occasionally, food would simply disappear from the fridge, dirty dishes would be left in the kitchen, and size 12 muddy footprints would appear. No conclusive evidence has been discovered as to the source of these disturbances, but residents have their own theories.

Zach, shoe size 12, was the first we interviewed, suggesting that it was "probably a ghost or something, bro", and that "it totally didn't have anything to do with him." However, other roommates maintain that these problems are, in fact, originating from one of the earthly residents of the apartment. Without any consensus on the matter, the residents are at a loss as to the best course of action. Some questions asked by the concerned residents include, "Maybe you guys can pay for, like, an exorcist or something?", and "is it too late to kick this guy off the lease?"

Indeed, it appears this mystery will remain unsolved, as neither side has offered any conclusive evidence.

Altgeld Bells Stop Tolling, No Longer Signaling to the Mothership

February 28, 2023

As students walk around campus today they will assuredly notice a lack of the signature ring of the Altgeld bells. Sunday saw great crowds gathering around the building as the tower played an assortment of songs before giving a last farewell “Hail to the Orange.” Altgeld, according to the government, is closing for renovations to the ceiling, roof, and Dairy Queen of the building; however, a keen-eyed correspondent for the Nightly Illini noticed late Monday night men-in-black soliciting the campus icon.

After rigorous investigation and copious caffeine consumption, the correspondent came to the conclusion that Altgeld was actually a colonization scout sent down by an alien species to monitor the campus. He was also convinced that due to the advanced technologies used by the ship’s bells, it was directly responsible for his poor performance in ENGL 116 essay.

“Those bells,” he hurriedly gasped out, “are actually high frequency signal amplifiers used to send messages to the Mothership on the status of the entire student body. Luckily they have gone silent now, but who knows what that entails…” Before the Nightly Illini could further interview him, the correspondent ran out of the Green Street McDonald’s.

The Jones’ administration has been silent to comment on knowledge of this nefarious conspiracy. Luckily, Professor Robert Roswell of Alien Migration was happy to respond to our inquiry: “please don’t send jokes to my work email.” Truly frightening indeed.

All we can do now is wait and see. This is a late-night reporter for the Nightly Illini, keeping eyes to the sky, ending transmission.

High Percentage of CS Majors Allergic to Grass

February 11, 2023

A new study from the National Institute of Astrological Health (NIAH), conducted on 1,000 Computer Science undergraduate students at UIUC, has found that 99.9% of Computer Science majors are actually allergic to grass.

“Grass allergies arise from pollen, causing an immune response,” one researcher explained. “It is one of the most common allergens in the United States, affecting up to 30% of the US population.”

However, the NIAH researchers found that 999 out of the 1,000 study’s participants had a negative response to the allergen, a ratio that is over three times higher than the national average.

“The students began sweating profusely and emitting strange body odors”, the study stated. “Prolonged grass exposure caused the students to wither away and melt.”

Furthermore, grass also seemed to have an intense psychological impact on the students.

When placed in the sunlight and grass for a long period of time, the students began to grow increasingly agitated and distressed. They began to threaten the researchers to end the study, shouting things such as “You can’t do this to me, I’m a former Meta SWE Intern“ and “my total comp is more than yours”.

The 1 CS student who did not have a negative response to grass was later discovered to only be a CS minor.

“We think that CS minors don’t count,” said the researchers.

So far, the reaction to the study has been positive.

“I feel seen,” said one sophomore in CS, “Everyone kept on telling me to touch grass before this study came out, so I feel vindicated by this study.”

“It would also be great if a study could explain why I don’t have a girlfriend,” added another CS major.

“Hail to the Orange” Snubbed for Grammys for 112th Year In a Row

February 6, 2023

For the last 65 years, the Grammys have been a prestigious award, honoring the best songs of the year. However, this prestige comes with significant controversy, as critics perceive elitism and bad decisions behind every unpopular winner and each unexpected snub. However, this year, these criticisms have come to a head, as the Grammys have committed their greatest sin so far:

Refusing to honor the UIUC official song, "Hail to the Orange".

Indeed, this song's one hundred year old legacy that predates the Grammys itself has somehow failed to be noticed by the Academy, in a move we can only attribute to malice. How could they fail to honor the university ranked as the 41st best by US News and World Report? Did they not notice that our football team is having an above average season? Where is the credit given to our prestigious top ten ranking in party schools? Surely these things merit at least a nomination.

This year marks the last straw, as it seems like the Grammys will never shed their century-long anti-Illini bias. In response, I call upon all readers to disregard the Grammys and their fraudulent awards, and seek bluer and oranger pastures elsewhere.

Paparazzi Continue To Bother Alma

January 30, 2023

The Alma statue has a storied history as a campus landmark, standing tall on campus for nearly a hundred years. From where it currently resides in front of Altgeld Hall, it welcomes visitors to the campus from near and far, earning it no small measure of fame.

However, this fame comes at a steep cost. Paparazzi and various gawkers harass the statue with pictures and selfies at almost all hours of the day. Without any respite, Alma is forced to continuously pose in place for days, or even months at a time. To make matters worse, rumors on campus abound of a 24 hour camera fixed on Alma, continuously broadcasting any tiny action to the whole world. This intense scrutiny represents a brutal invasion of privacy, and we should take some time to remember that, despite its fame, Alma is just another 10,000 pound bronze statue, no different from you and me.

The Nightly Illini was unable to reach Alma for comment before publication. However, we remain certain that the statue would object, if it weren't being silenced by the university, who allegedly sponsors such invasions of privacy.

"ChatGPT, write me a funny UIUC themed article"

February 13, 2023

Attention all UIUC students: it's time to face the cold, hard truth. No, not the fact that winter has arrived and it's only going to get colder. I'm talking about something much more important - the fact that we all know at least one person who wears Illini gear every single day. You know who I'm talking about - that one guy who rocks the orange and blue from head to toe, no matter what the occasion.

Now, don't get me wrong. There's nothing wrong with showing your school spirit. But sometimes, it can get a little out of hand. I mean, have you ever seen someone wearing an Illini hoodie, an Illini hat, and Illini sweatpants all at the same time? It's like they're trying to tell the world, "Yes, I go to UIUC. Yes, I bleed orange and blue. And yes, I own way too much Illini gear."

Now, "Nightly Illini," you ask, "Isn't copy pasting from ChatGPT both pointless and soulless? Why even bother publishing if anybody can get the same result from a simple eight word prompt?"

Blah, blah, blah, some canned GPT response about how GPT is different from copying and pasting I don't care about, and I couldn't even be bothered to feed your prompt back into the machine, or finish this article. Editor, send this article back into chatGPT and make it funny instead being the echo of my last fucks to give escaping my body.

As Another Student Apartment High Rise Goes Up on Green Street, Campus Administration Hopes It’s Enough so That Students Don't Remember That They Aren't in a Real City

February 8, 2023

This morning the city of Champaign elected to replace the decrepit Illini Hall with another student apartment highrise named “The Provost.” The new building, to be owned by Wright Street American Realty Town Rentals, serves two purposes according to campus spokespeople: firstly, to increase housing options around campus and, secondly, to give students another chance at forgetting that they aren’t in a real city.

“We are aware that our campus attracts a variety of students hailing all sorts of large cities; from Chicago suburbs to the Bay Area all the way to large cities in Asia like Taiwan” said one council member. He later elaborated, “It is the Jones administration's hope that through erecting more towers, increasing light pollution, and only building bubble tea shops, we can trick students from these densely populated areas into thinking that we have a shining metropolis in a corn field.

The Director of Housing at UIUC, Alma Sealine, commented “When I can’t sleep I like to take long walks in the night. I look up at the lights of these magnificent skyscrapers I’ve approved and unload my handgun in random directions. Anything to make these kids feel like they are in a real city.”

“The administration had a rousing success last year in regards to tricking Ava Max, and we were hoping to replicate it with other C-list celebrities and the incoming class of 2027” said another council member. We here at the Nightly Illini wish them luck.

Raising Cane's to Open Soon(ish)

January 31, 2023

Raising Cane’s is officially waiting to open until construction is finished, staff is hired, and there is peace in the Middle East. “We just really want to make sure we are ready for this grand opening,” said the store manager. According to inside sources, the much anticipated restaurant Raising Cane’s will indeed be opening soon(ish). “You didn’t hear it from me, but word on the street is that the planned opening date is February 28th, 1.7×10¹⁰⁶ CE, shortly before the heat death of the universe,” said our informant.

This concrete date will surely hearten the many Caniacs anticipating the grand opening. There is already a line of people camping outside the building to be the first to gaze out into the endless void while enjoying the restaurant’s delicious Texas Toast. “I think that after the stars burn out, the black holes evaporate, and the very fabric of our existence decays, some chicken fingers will really hit,” said one camper.

Reportedly, the Cane’s plans to celebrate the opening by giving out copies of Half-Life 3. This is exciting news indeed.

Mysterious Ghost Accused of Stealing Roommates' Food, Leaving Messes

January 26, 2023

Denizens of one apartment on Green Street have been struggling with mysterious food disappearances over the last 6 months. Occasionally, food would simply disappear from the fridge, dirty dishes would be left in the kitchen, and size 12 muddy footprints would appear. No conclusive evidence has been discovered as to the source of these disturbances, but residents have their own theories.

Zach, shoe size 12, was the first we interviewed, suggesting that it was "probably a ghost or something, bro", and that "it totally didn't have anything to do with him." However, other roommates maintain that these problems are, in fact, originating from one of the earthly residents of the apartment. Without any consensus on the matter, the residents are at a loss as to the best course of action. Some questions asked by the concerned residents include, "Maybe you guys can pay for, like, an exorcist or something?", and "is it too late to kick this guy off the lease?"

Indeed, it appears this mystery will remain unsolved, as neither side has offered any conclusive evidence.

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