*thunk*
ooooOOOOOW!
More on this after a trip to Carle.
In the past year, M&M has made a number of changes to the spokescandies commonly featured in their commercials. They swapped out the brown M&M’s stilettos for blockier heels and the green M&M’s boots for sneakers, among a few other changes.
These changes to the beloved characters provoked intense controversy. “Sexy M&M’s were the backbone of our society” noted one commentator. ”M&M will not be satisfied until every last cartoon character is deeply unappealing and totally androgynous.”
In response to the controversy, M&M indefinitely suspended the use of their spokescandies. UIUC, of course, lunged at the opportunity, making the Orange M&M our new mascot. What M&M so heartlessly kicked to the curb, the administration adopted with loving care. Even better, UIUC redesigned the orange M&M to have 8 inch stilettos, fishnet stockings, and thick black eyeliner.
The administration stated that, “after a decade and a half of searching we finally found a true successor to the Chief. Sexy Orange M&M is what we as a university, and really as a society, need right now. Go Fighting Sexy Orange M&M’s!”
Every University of Illinois student is familiar with Green Street, the bustling downtown of campus. Lined with restaurants, shops, and high-rise apartments, there’s never a dull moment for the countless students passing through.
With so much daily foot traffic, many residents have proposed turning the portion of Green Street between First and Wright into a European-style promenade, with outdoor seating, safe bike paths, and ornamental foliage.
However, Green Street also serves as one of the main roads leading into the sister cities of Urbana and Champaign, connecting to Neil Street and branching to major highways.
Following tense debate, the Champaign-Urbana Motor Department of Transportation finally made a firm decision on Monday, banning all pedestrians from Green Street stores, sidewalks, and other concrete.
“Green Street is like the aorta for the burgeoning heart that is the Urbana-Champaign community” said one spokesman for the CUMDOT in our correspondence. “Pedestrians are like cholesterol, blocking the veins and arteries—preventing cars from getting through. So, we stand strongly behind our decision.”
We also spoke to the Champaign-Urbana Metropolitan-area Chamber of Commerce about the economic impacts of the decision.
“Pedestrians, for years, have prevented a pivot to the highly-profitable drive-through model. Now, students will be able to munch on a pizza from Mia Za’s, or sip on a Blue Guy from KAM’S, all in the comfort of their own car,” said Kirby Neil, head of expansion at CUMCOC.
Despite these changes, the bike lane will still be available for Doordash parking. Just make sure to hit the ‘park anywhere’ triangle.
We’re excited to see all the new changes this move will bring to campustown.
After perusing the available undergraduate science degrees on offer at our esteemed university, many students end up choosing a B.S. in Elementary Education, where campus administrators are more than happy to put the ‘E’ in “STEM”. However, after pursuing this degree for no less than three years, one future Elementary Education graduate was shocked to find that at the end of the college experience lies the untold horrors of the classroom.
Nicole, whose real name we have anonymized to protect her identity, gave us an eyewitness testimony of the duplicity at the core of the College of Education. “I really feel deceived,” she claims, “I thought I would be an advanced student because I already knew my shapes and colors.” But it seems that department heads had other plans. Within the core coursework are classes such as “Child Psychological Development” and “Naptime 370,” which students are woefully unprepared for and involve time in real classrooms with real children.
According to Nicole, “There is a radical difference between the Theory of Preventative Crayon Eating and Applied Silent Reading Time and I can barely bring it all together.” She told us harrowing stories of having to go into enclosed labs and interact with people under the age of twelve. These so-called “teaching experiences” seem impossible, as students are required to make tiny people understand big subjects such as math and science, all while stopping them from pulling hair and putting stationary up their noses.
This callous disregard for the body of students who actually take the courses, do the work, and attend the lectures – all before monday night Lion – shows how out of touch school faculty is. “It’s very disheartening and I can imagine how the alienation can really kill the dream for a lot of us,” Nicole said; “All I wanted to do was hit on future frat guys as an English teacher, now I’m responsible for shaping the next generation.”
Her impassioned words resonate with those of all majors, and all of us here at the Nightly Illini hope things will get better.
Michael, a sophomore, barely survived his finals. Now that he has a moment to breathe, he started to scope out his professors for next semester. Hoping that doing his due diligence a bit late wouldn’t screw him over, Michael checked the GPA Visualization for his classes, only to find the only professor for his class has a 2.10 average GPA. Every other professor boasted a 3.0 or above average GPA.
“I would take it next semester but I really need the prereq,” Michael said tearfully. “I really have to take this class.” Desperate for a ray of hope, Michael did some more research.
“Some Reddit user says his sections are really easy, but his comment has like 20 downvotes. He has a 0.69 quality rating and a 4.20 difficulty rating on Rate My Professors. That better be a joke. One of my friends knows someone who took the class, and he says I’m screwed.”
After hearing this heartbreaking news, Michael can be found walking home in the rain, tears streaming down his face, yelling “WHYYYY???”
Rumors about UIUC’s endowment circulated throughout campus today. According to one student, the endowment has ballooned to the massive size of $3.82 billion. That’s well above average for schools of UIUC’s stature.
Some students have expressed concern about how the University fits that huge thing in its treasury. Anna remarked, “Not that I spend a lot of time looking down there, but if I did I’m sure I would see a huge bulge from trying to fit such a monstrous quantity of stuff in its confines. It must be so filled up right now…” At this point, Anna trailed off and blushed.
The administrators have noted that a strong endowment is like a thick tree trunk that sows the seeds for future generations of Illini. As to the precise size of the endowment, the administrators have not given any official comment except for a sly smirk and the words “it’s big, alright”.
René Thomas contracted the bubonic plague while messing around with an electron microscope and some virus samples with some friends. “It’s amazing what you can buy on Amazon these days,” said the junior biology student.
The plague promises to feast on the vitality of the campus’ youth, leaving nothing but empty husks in its wake. René will soon experience gangrene, swollen buboes, and intense sickness.
This news predictably weighs heavily on the minds of students. “When I heard René got the plague, I started totally freaking out. Not like freaking out freaking out. I mean it’s 2022 who even cares about the plague anymore. It still sucks for him though,” said Lindsey, a friend of René.
With René’s careless actions, the scourge of the pestilence has risen its 800 year slumber to wreak havoc on a scale never before seen. Students are encouraged to wear masks and stuff their pockets full of posies to ward off the evil menace of the Black Death.
These guidelines are getting some pushback from the students. “Preventative measures are like, so 2020. Sorry not sorry,” said Olivia. “You guys seriously want me to walk around wearing a mask like some latter-day hippy?? And posies are basic AF by the way.”
One can only hope that life will return to normal as soon as possible.
*thunk*
ooooOOOOOW!
More on this after a trip to Carle.
Every University of Illinois student is familiar with Green Street, the bustling downtown of campus. Lined with restaurants, shops, and high-rise apartments, there’s never a dull moment for the countless students passing through.
With so much daily foot traffic, many residents have proposed turning the portion of Green Street between First and Wright into a European-style promenade, with outdoor seating, safe bike paths, and ornamental foliage.
However, Green Street also serves as one of the main roads leading into the sister cities of Urbana and Champaign, connecting to Neil Street and branching to major highways.
Following tense debate, the Champaign-Urbana Motor Department of Transportation finally made a firm decision on Monday, banning all pedestrians from Green Street stores, sidewalks, and other concrete.
“Green Street is like the aorta for the burgeoning heart that is the Urbana-Champaign community” said one spokesman for the CUMDOT in our correspondence. “Pedestrians are like cholesterol, blocking the veins and arteries—preventing cars from getting through. So, we stand strongly behind our decision.”
We also spoke to the Champaign-Urbana Metropolitan-area Chamber of Commerce about the economic impacts of the decision.
“Pedestrians, for years, have prevented a pivot to the highly-profitable drive-through model. Now, students will be able to munch on a pizza from Mia Za’s, or sip on a Blue Guy from KAM’S, all in the comfort of their own car,” said Kirby Neil, head of expansion at CUMCOC.
Despite these changes, the bike lane will still be available for Doordash parking. Just make sure to hit the ‘park anywhere’ triangle.
We’re excited to see all the new changes this move will bring to campustown.
Michael, a sophomore, barely survived his finals. Now that he has a moment to breathe, he started to scope out his professors for next semester. Hoping that doing his due diligence a bit late wouldn’t screw him over, Michael checked the GPA Visualization for his classes, only to find the only professor for his class has a 2.10 average GPA. Every other professor boasted a 3.0 or above average GPA.
“I would take it next semester but I really need the prereq,” Michael said tearfully. “I really have to take this class.” Desperate for a ray of hope, Michael did some more research.
“Some Reddit user says his sections are really easy, but his comment has like 20 downvotes. He has a 0.69 quality rating and a 4.20 difficulty rating on Rate My Professors. That better be a joke. One of my friends knows someone who took the class, and he says I’m screwed.”
After hearing this heartbreaking news, Michael can be found walking home in the rain, tears streaming down his face, yelling “WHYYYY???”
René Thomas contracted the bubonic plague while messing around with an electron microscope and some virus samples with some friends. “It’s amazing what you can buy on Amazon these days,” said the junior biology student.
The plague promises to feast on the vitality of the campus’ youth, leaving nothing but empty husks in its wake. René will soon experience gangrene, swollen buboes, and intense sickness.
This news predictably weighs heavily on the minds of students. “When I heard René got the plague, I started totally freaking out. Not like freaking out freaking out. I mean it’s 2022 who even cares about the plague anymore. It still sucks for him though,” said Lindsey, a friend of René.
With René’s careless actions, the scourge of the pestilence has risen its 800 year slumber to wreak havoc on a scale never before seen. Students are encouraged to wear masks and stuff their pockets full of posies to ward off the evil menace of the Black Death.
These guidelines are getting some pushback from the students. “Preventative measures are like, so 2020. Sorry not sorry,” said Olivia. “You guys seriously want me to walk around wearing a mask like some latter-day hippy?? And posies are basic AF by the way.”
One can only hope that life will return to normal as soon as possible.
In the past year, M&M has made a number of changes to the spokescandies commonly featured in their commercials. They swapped out the brown M&M’s stilettos for blockier heels and the green M&M’s boots for sneakers, among a few other changes.
These changes to the beloved characters provoked intense controversy. “Sexy M&M’s were the backbone of our society” noted one commentator. ”M&M will not be satisfied until every last cartoon character is deeply unappealing and totally androgynous.”
In response to the controversy, M&M indefinitely suspended the use of their spokescandies. UIUC, of course, lunged at the opportunity, making the Orange M&M our new mascot. What M&M so heartlessly kicked to the curb, the administration adopted with loving care. Even better, UIUC redesigned the orange M&M to have 8 inch stilettos, fishnet stockings, and thick black eyeliner.
The administration stated that, “after a decade and a half of searching we finally found a true successor to the Chief. Sexy Orange M&M is what we as a university, and really as a society, need right now. Go Fighting Sexy Orange M&M’s!”
After perusing the available undergraduate science degrees on offer at our esteemed university, many students end up choosing a B.S. in Elementary Education, where campus administrators are more than happy to put the ‘E’ in “STEM”. However, after pursuing this degree for no less than three years, one future Elementary Education graduate was shocked to find that at the end of the college experience lies the untold horrors of the classroom.
Nicole, whose real name we have anonymized to protect her identity, gave us an eyewitness testimony of the duplicity at the core of the College of Education. “I really feel deceived,” she claims, “I thought I would be an advanced student because I already knew my shapes and colors.” But it seems that department heads had other plans. Within the core coursework are classes such as “Child Psychological Development” and “Naptime 370,” which students are woefully unprepared for and involve time in real classrooms with real children.
According to Nicole, “There is a radical difference between the Theory of Preventative Crayon Eating and Applied Silent Reading Time and I can barely bring it all together.” She told us harrowing stories of having to go into enclosed labs and interact with people under the age of twelve. These so-called “teaching experiences” seem impossible, as students are required to make tiny people understand big subjects such as math and science, all while stopping them from pulling hair and putting stationary up their noses.
This callous disregard for the body of students who actually take the courses, do the work, and attend the lectures – all before monday night Lion – shows how out of touch school faculty is. “It’s very disheartening and I can imagine how the alienation can really kill the dream for a lot of us,” Nicole said; “All I wanted to do was hit on future frat guys as an English teacher, now I’m responsible for shaping the next generation.”
Her impassioned words resonate with those of all majors, and all of us here at the Nightly Illini hope things will get better.
Rumors about UIUC’s endowment circulated throughout campus today. According to one student, the endowment has ballooned to the massive size of $3.82 billion. That’s well above average for schools of UIUC’s stature.
Some students have expressed concern about how the University fits that huge thing in its treasury. Anna remarked, “Not that I spend a lot of time looking down there, but if I did I’m sure I would see a huge bulge from trying to fit such a monstrous quantity of stuff in its confines. It must be so filled up right now…” At this point, Anna trailed off and blushed.
The administrators have noted that a strong endowment is like a thick tree trunk that sows the seeds for future generations of Illini. As to the precise size of the endowment, the administrators have not given any official comment except for a sly smirk and the words “it’s big, alright”.