Following the improvement in skill of many of the Union Bowling Alley’s bowlers, tensions have been high among the bowling balls. Just last week, things reached a breaking point as the bowling balls' interests smashed against the opposing pins’.
Bowling ball union leaders are reportedly taking a hard line against any scabs. They state that any pins that dare cross their picket line will be knocked down. Union leaders especially can’t stand pins that are clearly in the lane’s pocket. These pins will be the first to fall.
The bowling balls will continue to strike as long as pins are on the lane. This comes as a welcome surprise to frequent bowler John Ballin. “My games have been nearly perfect lately. Thank god those bowling balls are doing that thing... Er, what did you say was happening with them again?” stated Ballin.
Meanwhile, this strike is coming at the worst possible time for the Jones administration. In this economy there is no way the Union Rec Room can survive the bowling ball’s strike, especially during the notoriously busy finals season. “The Rec Room pins are built on weak fundamentals, and given the circumstances I don’t think they can withstand such an impact.”
Obesity is an epidemic that flies under the radar on a college campus. Living in a place where dining halls are all you can eat and alcohol is the main coping mechanism doesn’t tend to do wonders for your BMI. Knowing that these things are massive issues, we talked to one student determined to fight the problem.
Ashley, a sophomore majoring in kinesiology, put her knowledge to use and devised a novel 12 step program to help students get back in shape. “My new program is an incredibly simple 12 steps. These steps really are the path you need to take to get fit. All you have to do is climb one step after another, and eventually you get to the place that fit people go.”
When asked how she thought of these 12 steps, Ashley responded, “It’s simple really. There are 12 steps in front of the ARC entrance.”
The highest honor that a scientist can get is the Nobel Prize. Getting the gold not only wins you universal recognition, but also a cash prize of over one million dollars.
John Bardeen, a former faculty member at UIUC, was a serial Nobel Prize winner. Some even go so far as to call him the Nobel GOAT. Here we will painstakingly enumerate all of Bardeen’s wins and rank them by impressiveness.
1. Nobel Prize for Physics (1956)
Winning this prize was pretty impressive. 10/10
2. Nobel Prize for Physics (1972)
Winning this prize was great, but not wholly unexpected, given Bardeen’s past record. 9/10
Our science correspondent reports that there was a massive breakthrough in a lab this morning. “Eureka!” scientists shrieked as they shattered barriers previously known to be solid. “We just like pushing things to their limits as fast as we can,” explained a sheepish scientist in an oversized lab coat.
Not everyone is so excited about this development, though. This breakthrough has triggered some calls to rein in progress. “When my coworker first started making headway towards the lab window with his research, I told him that I don’t think this step is the right direction. Nevertheless, he pressed on,” said a skeptical scientist. “I just wish we could think through the ramifications of our actions.”
“Sometimes I get so preoccupied with thinking about whether I can smash barriers, I forget to think about whether I should. In the future, I promise to be more careful," said the sheepish scientist.
Following the success of Netflix’s new show, “Monster”, a drama that follows the story of serial killer Jeffery Dahmer, the university has decided to recruit a serial killer of its own in a bid to regain national relevance. The university is accepting applicants from around the country, with special priority for killers targeting minority or otherwise vulnerable populations.
To aid in the search for young talent, UIUC has sent scouts to juvies and some of the top dysfunctional families across the country. “Watching these future nationwide phenomena in the making is really inspiring,” said one talent scout.
The university is reportedly finalizing talks with both their front running serial killer candidate and some potential victims and families of victims regarding the rights to the inevitable tv show/true crime podcast/documentary, though out of concern for the safety of the killer, the university has declined to release the name or M.O. of their candidate.
The administration believes strongly that by selecting the right candidate, it can make thoughts of UIUC consume the heads and hearts of America.
Upon returning to campus our correspondent was “very busy with school” and “on the grind this semester”. After weeks of no contact or Nightly Illini stories written, our very busy correspondent became worried about our writer. He stopped by our writer’s apartment, only to find him on the floor, despondent, with a few incoherent Nightly Illini article ideas scribbled in crayon on half a sheet of notebook paper.
Worried, our correspondent pulled our writer back to his feet. When asked about what caused this breakdown, our writer responded “I found myself crushed by an avalanche of work. The avalanche was seemingly caused by a small shift in deadlines, causing a tremor in the mountains of work I was going through. ”
Our writer then promised that he would be more careful in the future but made no promises.
Dropping out of college is a tough decision, made even tougher by the fact that you don’t get the cool-looking diploma that comes with graduating. To ease dropouts’ tough transition into the real world, the University decided that all dropouts will receive a “participation trophy” to let them know that all that matters was they tried their best and had fun.
This participation trophy does not come with any relief for debt accumulated while pursuing—but ultimately failing—to obtain a degree. Instead, it comes with an inscription that says “University participant.” If the dropout was enrolled in the Grainger College of Engineering, the inscription instead reads “Just Like Mark Zuckerberg.”
“Everyone out here put up a good effort. Good hustle guys. You’ll get ‘em next time,” said the administrator as he handed out the trophies to the dropouts. “Keep your heads up high and your trophies in hand.”
Following the improvement in skill of many of the Union Bowling Alley’s bowlers, tensions have been high among the bowling balls. Just last week, things reached a breaking point as the bowling balls' interests smashed against the opposing pins’.
Bowling ball union leaders are reportedly taking a hard line against any scabs. They state that any pins that dare cross their picket line will be knocked down. Union leaders especially can’t stand pins that are clearly in the lane’s pocket. These pins will be the first to fall.
The bowling balls will continue to strike as long as pins are on the lane. This comes as a welcome surprise to frequent bowler John Ballin. “My games have been nearly perfect lately. Thank god those bowling balls are doing that thing... Er, what did you say was happening with them again?” stated Ballin.
Meanwhile, this strike is coming at the worst possible time for the Jones administration. In this economy there is no way the Union Rec Room can survive the bowling ball’s strike, especially during the notoriously busy finals season. “The Rec Room pins are built on weak fundamentals, and given the circumstances I don’t think they can withstand such an impact.”
The highest honor that a scientist can get is the Nobel Prize. Getting the gold not only wins you universal recognition, but also a cash prize of over one million dollars.
John Bardeen, a former faculty member at UIUC, was a serial Nobel Prize winner. Some even go so far as to call him the Nobel GOAT. Here we will painstakingly enumerate all of Bardeen’s wins and rank them by impressiveness.
1. Nobel Prize for Physics (1956)
Winning this prize was pretty impressive. 10/10
2. Nobel Prize for Physics (1972)
Winning this prize was great, but not wholly unexpected, given Bardeen’s past record. 9/10
Following the success of Netflix’s new show, “Monster”, a drama that follows the story of serial killer Jeffery Dahmer, the university has decided to recruit a serial killer of its own in a bid to regain national relevance. The university is accepting applicants from around the country, with special priority for killers targeting minority or otherwise vulnerable populations.
To aid in the search for young talent, UIUC has sent scouts to juvies and some of the top dysfunctional families across the country. “Watching these future nationwide phenomena in the making is really inspiring,” said one talent scout.
The university is reportedly finalizing talks with both their front running serial killer candidate and some potential victims and families of victims regarding the rights to the inevitable tv show/true crime podcast/documentary, though out of concern for the safety of the killer, the university has declined to release the name or M.O. of their candidate.
The administration believes strongly that by selecting the right candidate, it can make thoughts of UIUC consume the heads and hearts of America.
Dropping out of college is a tough decision, made even tougher by the fact that you don’t get the cool-looking diploma that comes with graduating. To ease dropouts’ tough transition into the real world, the University decided that all dropouts will receive a “participation trophy” to let them know that all that matters was they tried their best and had fun.
This participation trophy does not come with any relief for debt accumulated while pursuing—but ultimately failing—to obtain a degree. Instead, it comes with an inscription that says “University participant.” If the dropout was enrolled in the Grainger College of Engineering, the inscription instead reads “Just Like Mark Zuckerberg.”
“Everyone out here put up a good effort. Good hustle guys. You’ll get ‘em next time,” said the administrator as he handed out the trophies to the dropouts. “Keep your heads up high and your trophies in hand.”
Obesity is an epidemic that flies under the radar on a college campus. Living in a place where dining halls are all you can eat and alcohol is the main coping mechanism doesn’t tend to do wonders for your BMI. Knowing that these things are massive issues, we talked to one student determined to fight the problem.
Ashley, a sophomore majoring in kinesiology, put her knowledge to use and devised a novel 12 step program to help students get back in shape. “My new program is an incredibly simple 12 steps. These steps really are the path you need to take to get fit. All you have to do is climb one step after another, and eventually you get to the place that fit people go.”
When asked how she thought of these 12 steps, Ashley responded, “It’s simple really. There are 12 steps in front of the ARC entrance.”
Our science correspondent reports that there was a massive breakthrough in a lab this morning. “Eureka!” scientists shrieked as they shattered barriers previously known to be solid. “We just like pushing things to their limits as fast as we can,” explained a sheepish scientist in an oversized lab coat.
Not everyone is so excited about this development, though. This breakthrough has triggered some calls to rein in progress. “When my coworker first started making headway towards the lab window with his research, I told him that I don’t think this step is the right direction. Nevertheless, he pressed on,” said a skeptical scientist. “I just wish we could think through the ramifications of our actions.”
“Sometimes I get so preoccupied with thinking about whether I can smash barriers, I forget to think about whether I should. In the future, I promise to be more careful," said the sheepish scientist.
Upon returning to campus our correspondent was “very busy with school” and “on the grind this semester”. After weeks of no contact or Nightly Illini stories written, our very busy correspondent became worried about our writer. He stopped by our writer’s apartment, only to find him on the floor, despondent, with a few incoherent Nightly Illini article ideas scribbled in crayon on half a sheet of notebook paper.
Worried, our correspondent pulled our writer back to his feet. When asked about what caused this breakdown, our writer responded “I found myself crushed by an avalanche of work. The avalanche was seemingly caused by a small shift in deadlines, causing a tremor in the mountains of work I was going through. ”
Our writer then promised that he would be more careful in the future but made no promises.