The news just broke that the chess board in an Altgeld display case is set up sideways. Details on the story are sparse, but our correspondent on the scene notes that he’s pretty sure that white’s kingside rook should be on a white square.
If confirmed, this news would bring massive shame to the Altgeld Display Case Committee, which is still smarting from the widespread criticism following their decision not to display any suits of armor or to replace the building’s doors with drawbridges. One outraged student remarked, “First they don’t display any sweet Midievel stuff, then they mess up the chessboard! What’s next, they're going to display the Navier-Stokes equations but mix up a dot product with a cross product? This is ridiculous!”
With their sadly non-drawbridge doors closing just minutes after our correspondent arrived at the scene, we must wait until tomorrow to see how the story unfolds.
A buzz overtook the Main LIbrary as the hour approached midnight. The librarians scrambled to prepare for the expected rush of students overtaking the stacks as reading day approached. Yet as the Bell Tower’s chimes marked the beginning of reading day, no students came.
“I was really excited because this was the one day in the semester where we were going to have the spotlight, you know,” said Lucy, a newly hired librarian at the Main Library. “I thought reading day was for reading books. I’m just a little disappointed, is all.”
Throughout the course of the day, students trickled in and out of the library, but they all sat at tables studying instead of checking out and reading books. Lucy reportedly left work early, dejected yet deep in her heart not surprised.
A rumble overtook campus today. Buildings shook and that one student in the back of lecture woke up. Incidentally, an old man reported having the time of his life on his rocking chair. The source of this strange happening was found by a student named Eliot in the basement of Illini Hall.
“I always wanted to see what was inside Illini Hall, but the doors were always locked. What’s with that by the way? It’s such a cool building and the whole school is named after it but it’s never open. One time I saw someone…” Eliot continued to ramble enthusiastically about Illini Hall for 10 more minutes.
“Anyways, when all of campus started shaking, the doors fell open so I just had to see what was inside. In the basement I found a knockoff Smaug with orange and blue scales guarding a modest pile of checks made out to UIUC. He made me sing ‘Hail to the Orange’ then he started a clearly rehearsed monologue about how out-of-state and international students are going to make him the richest dragon in the country,” Eliot explained.
“Knockoff Smaug said that the money from charging out-of-state students so much extra in tuition goes straight to him. When I pointed out that money should be going to the school, he responded, ‘It really doesn’t cost us any more to educate out-of-state students. All that extra money’s got to go somewhere.’”
As news of this revelation reached students, the administration announced that they don’t plan on making tuition equitable for all students, as knockoff Smaug must be appeased.
Being a law major is tough. There are almost 250 years of laws to study, and laws make dense reading. However, in recent years Congress has decided to take it easy on these poor students, who are reportedly “thrilled by congressional deadlock”.
One law student, James, commented, “I’d just like to say that I really like and respect our current Congress for doing nothing. Now the midterm elections are coming up and these sleazy new upstarts are talking about getting stuff done. These guys gotta learn how to take it easy.”
When asked about her thoughts on Congressional productivity, another student, Michelle, remarked, “The filibuster has been the greatest thing that’s happened to this country. I fully support abolishing attempts to abolish the filibuster”
In other news, geography majors support peace in Ukraine so they don’t have to learn the new borders and economics majors really hope the market doesn’t crash so they don’t have to learn about it.
In a big university surrounded by smart people, it’s easy to lose faith in one’s abilities. “All of my friends are engineers and I often feel like I’m struggling to keep up with what they’re talking about,” said Lexie, a freshman business student, while working on her coloring homework.
One of the most underutilized resources the University provides to combat this widespread imposter syndrome is nestled in the Union: the Presidential Lounge. The Lounge is open to all students, and it’s full of fancy chairs and desks.
“Sometimes I like to come to the Presidential Lounge in business attire and pretend I’m a true girlboss, ya’ know. I like to sit at one of the nice desks with a stack of papers and one by one sign them with fancy pens and big flourishes. Then I practice my speech about starting from a working class background and through hard work and dedication becoming a successful businesswoman. I really don’t know what I would do without the Lounge.”
Lexie noted that the Presidential Lounge didn’t solve all of her problems, though, saying, “Sometimes I wish I were one of those people who could just girlboss in sweatpants in the Wasaja lounge.” Despite this remnant of self-doubt, Lexie still encourages all business students to give the Lounge a try.
Josh and Maria are two seniors who, for the bulk of their college experience, have said that they mean to go to the Spurlock Museum sometime. After nearly four years and countless perfect opportunities, they are struggling to admit that they are never going to go.
“We just need to find a good time to go,” said Josh, while sitting outside of KoFusion, doing nothing. “I would go now, but I’m not sure what their hours are, and whether Maria is free.” Maria, sitting next to Josh while watching reruns of Friends on her phone, absentmindedly said, “The Spurlock Museum sounds so cool, we totally have to go there sometime.”
With only two weeks left in Josh and Maria’s final semester at UIUC, the chances that they ever see the carefully crafted cultural exhibits in the Museum are looking slimmer than ever.
Troubling news arrives from the University of Alabama today due to exaggerated reports of cultural insensitivity at UIUC barn dances. So-called “Rooster Reports” depicted barn dances as events where students “speak in country accents, arrive in trailers and horses, and sniff gasoline to lower their literacy rates to the rural average.”
The Rooster Reports enraged students at the University of Alabama, who retorted by holding Urban(a) Dances, where they rob other students at knifepoint, play hip-hop music, and wear thick winter clothing despite it being April.
When questioned about the Urban(a) Dances, Alabama’s dean Peter Hlebowitsh responded, “We have a long history of fighting fire with fire down here in the South. If the pretentious folk in your cheese-curd of a city took the time to appreciate rather than appropriate our culture you would understand that.”
Certainly, this north-south divide portends larger struggles. Hopefully we don’t lose sight of the fact that a barn house divided can not stand.
The news just broke that the chess board in an Altgeld display case is set up sideways. Details on the story are sparse, but our correspondent on the scene notes that he’s pretty sure that white’s kingside rook should be on a white square.
If confirmed, this news would bring massive shame to the Altgeld Display Case Committee, which is still smarting from the widespread criticism following their decision not to display any suits of armor or to replace the building’s doors with drawbridges. One outraged student remarked, “First they don’t display any sweet Midievel stuff, then they mess up the chessboard! What’s next, they're going to display the Navier-Stokes equations but mix up a dot product with a cross product? This is ridiculous!”
With their sadly non-drawbridge doors closing just minutes after our correspondent arrived at the scene, we must wait until tomorrow to see how the story unfolds.
A rumble overtook campus today. Buildings shook and that one student in the back of lecture woke up. Incidentally, an old man reported having the time of his life on his rocking chair. The source of this strange happening was found by a student named Eliot in the basement of Illini Hall.
“I always wanted to see what was inside Illini Hall, but the doors were always locked. What’s with that by the way? It’s such a cool building and the whole school is named after it but it’s never open. One time I saw someone…” Eliot continued to ramble enthusiastically about Illini Hall for 10 more minutes.
“Anyways, when all of campus started shaking, the doors fell open so I just had to see what was inside. In the basement I found a knockoff Smaug with orange and blue scales guarding a modest pile of checks made out to UIUC. He made me sing ‘Hail to the Orange’ then he started a clearly rehearsed monologue about how out-of-state and international students are going to make him the richest dragon in the country,” Eliot explained.
“Knockoff Smaug said that the money from charging out-of-state students so much extra in tuition goes straight to him. When I pointed out that money should be going to the school, he responded, ‘It really doesn’t cost us any more to educate out-of-state students. All that extra money’s got to go somewhere.’”
As news of this revelation reached students, the administration announced that they don’t plan on making tuition equitable for all students, as knockoff Smaug must be appeased.
In a big university surrounded by smart people, it’s easy to lose faith in one’s abilities. “All of my friends are engineers and I often feel like I’m struggling to keep up with what they’re talking about,” said Lexie, a freshman business student, while working on her coloring homework.
One of the most underutilized resources the University provides to combat this widespread imposter syndrome is nestled in the Union: the Presidential Lounge. The Lounge is open to all students, and it’s full of fancy chairs and desks.
“Sometimes I like to come to the Presidential Lounge in business attire and pretend I’m a true girlboss, ya’ know. I like to sit at one of the nice desks with a stack of papers and one by one sign them with fancy pens and big flourishes. Then I practice my speech about starting from a working class background and through hard work and dedication becoming a successful businesswoman. I really don’t know what I would do without the Lounge.”
Lexie noted that the Presidential Lounge didn’t solve all of her problems, though, saying, “Sometimes I wish I were one of those people who could just girlboss in sweatpants in the Wasaja lounge.” Despite this remnant of self-doubt, Lexie still encourages all business students to give the Lounge a try.
Troubling news arrives from the University of Alabama today due to exaggerated reports of cultural insensitivity at UIUC barn dances. So-called “Rooster Reports” depicted barn dances as events where students “speak in country accents, arrive in trailers and horses, and sniff gasoline to lower their literacy rates to the rural average.”
The Rooster Reports enraged students at the University of Alabama, who retorted by holding Urban(a) Dances, where they rob other students at knifepoint, play hip-hop music, and wear thick winter clothing despite it being April.
When questioned about the Urban(a) Dances, Alabama’s dean Peter Hlebowitsh responded, “We have a long history of fighting fire with fire down here in the South. If the pretentious folk in your cheese-curd of a city took the time to appreciate rather than appropriate our culture you would understand that.”
Certainly, this north-south divide portends larger struggles. Hopefully we don’t lose sight of the fact that a barn house divided can not stand.
A buzz overtook the Main LIbrary as the hour approached midnight. The librarians scrambled to prepare for the expected rush of students overtaking the stacks as reading day approached. Yet as the Bell Tower’s chimes marked the beginning of reading day, no students came.
“I was really excited because this was the one day in the semester where we were going to have the spotlight, you know,” said Lucy, a newly hired librarian at the Main Library. “I thought reading day was for reading books. I’m just a little disappointed, is all.”
Throughout the course of the day, students trickled in and out of the library, but they all sat at tables studying instead of checking out and reading books. Lucy reportedly left work early, dejected yet deep in her heart not surprised.
Being a law major is tough. There are almost 250 years of laws to study, and laws make dense reading. However, in recent years Congress has decided to take it easy on these poor students, who are reportedly “thrilled by congressional deadlock”.
One law student, James, commented, “I’d just like to say that I really like and respect our current Congress for doing nothing. Now the midterm elections are coming up and these sleazy new upstarts are talking about getting stuff done. These guys gotta learn how to take it easy.”
When asked about her thoughts on Congressional productivity, another student, Michelle, remarked, “The filibuster has been the greatest thing that’s happened to this country. I fully support abolishing attempts to abolish the filibuster”
In other news, geography majors support peace in Ukraine so they don’t have to learn the new borders and economics majors really hope the market doesn’t crash so they don’t have to learn about it.
Josh and Maria are two seniors who, for the bulk of their college experience, have said that they mean to go to the Spurlock Museum sometime. After nearly four years and countless perfect opportunities, they are struggling to admit that they are never going to go.
“We just need to find a good time to go,” said Josh, while sitting outside of KoFusion, doing nothing. “I would go now, but I’m not sure what their hours are, and whether Maria is free.” Maria, sitting next to Josh while watching reruns of Friends on her phone, absentmindedly said, “The Spurlock Museum sounds so cool, we totally have to go there sometime.”
With only two weeks left in Josh and Maria’s final semester at UIUC, the chances that they ever see the carefully crafted cultural exhibits in the Museum are looking slimmer than ever.