Following his victory in the 2022 Illinois Student Government elections, the Student Body President Elect Garret Forrest, along with running mate Vindhya Kalipi, organized a rally on the quad yesterday to thank their supporters.
Portions of his speech were dedicated to the outpouring of support from supporters that carried him to victory, as well as a bold reaffirmation of his campaign promises. He then mingled with the crowd, and personally shook every hand, a task made much easier by the fact that there were zero other people in attendance.
“I’m so grateful to you all,” the president-elect said to nobody. “It’s all thanks to your support that I’m here!”, said the man standing on the quad, shouting to an empty crowd.
While giving his speech, a handful of students walked by. We questioned one of them, Annie, to see her thoughts on the direction Garret Forrest is taking our student body. She answered our question with two questions: “Who is Garret Forrest? And since when did we have a student government?”
Our correspondent leaves us with a few more questions themselves. If a politician makes a promise, and no one cares to hear it, did the promise ever mean anything? And where the hell did Forrest get all those fireworks and parade floats from?
This Saturday, Villanova beat Houston in a 50-44 game, knocking the Cougars out of March Madness. In this dominating performance, the Wildcats played solidly and kept their lead throughout the whole game. Yesterday, Kansas won the whole tournament.
Despite this, Craig, the winner of your March Madness bracket pool, remains very smug that he predicted Houston would go to the end, exclaiming, “I knew from the beginning Houston had potential.”
Reportedly, Craig has been saying the following to anyone who would listen: “A lot of my fellow students were upset with me when they saw I predicted Illinois would lose in the second round against Houston. I think if they wanted to win the bracket pool, they shouldn’t have looked at our school's chances with rose-tinted glasses. That’s all I’m saying.”
Some other students have described Craig as “a jerk” and “the guy with the least school spirit in our pool,” but Craig maintains that he “was just being realistic.”
ISR is considered by many to be the nicest dorm in the University. It only takes a glance at the décor to tell it’s expensive, and it only takes a glance at the students to tell they’re all engineers. But venture beyond the lobby with the tastefully placed couches, and you will hear a debate raging over the sound of “Gangsta’s Paradise”. A single question rings loudly: does the playlist manager deserve a fat raise or to be discharged dishonorably?
We interviewed some students on the scene, and over the sound of “Cotton Eye Joe”, Susanne disgustedly said, "Play a radio station or something. If you want to listen to your motley playlist of nostalgic but obnoxious hits, put in headphones. Why do we have to be subjected to this?"
We also asked Carl, a freshman mechanical engineering major, whether ISR’s playlist manager is doing a good job. With “Life is a Highway” playing in the background, Carl simply retorted: "The music sorta slaps. Give that man a fat raise."
Writing on a hexagonally shaped table jamming out to Tom Petty’s “Free Fallin’”, this is David. Over and out.
The University recently conducted a study to determine student satisfaction and enjoyment of courses on campus. Surprisingly, 0% of the students surveyed about an 8am CHEM 103 lab reported being satisfied with the class.
According to Isabel, class of ‘24, “I started the semester so excited to learn about how molecules interact, but I wake up at 7 every Monday to get to class and I’m just like damn.”
We also interviewed Jacob, class of ‘23, who had severe bags under his eyes. His opinion of CHEM 103 was no less severe: “When I get out of bed before the sun has even risen I have to think that God is dead.”
Even the TA’s showed no enthusiasm for the course. Jennifer, a grad student studying chemistry, noted, “I’m a woman of science and I don’t believe in the supernatural, but when I enter that room it feels like a ghost sucked the life out of every one of those students.”
Thus far, the University has declined to respond to calls for this "great sin against everything good about this world" to be disbanded, but students remain hopeful that the pleas of the chemically damned will one day be heard.
In the face of a recent surge in crime on campus, university tour guides have opted for a bold new solution to protect prospective visitors: giving each visitor a complimentary handgun, along with 12 bullets.
This innovative new policy promises to completely deter criminals and various undesirables, such as harassers, solicitors, the homeless, and students still afraid to die, from entering a 20 meter radius around tour groups, ensuring complete safety.
Our correspondent was capable of reaching Mr. Shoot, head of public relations and chief architect of this new policy, who noted the necessity of this measure, saying, “Danger could strike any moment that visitors are on campus”, while citing the 21 reported instances of firearm discharge since the policy was instituted yesterday.
Responses to further questions were precluded, as Mr. Shoot became belligerent and reached towards his hip, at which point our brave correspondent quickly excused themselves from the room.
The University’s most awkward annual tradition, Mom’s Weekend, is happening from April 1st-3rd. Our correspondents on the scene report that "your mom" jokes have increased by 3000% on a week over week basis.
We interviewed a freshman student, Alex on the quad. "I asked the guys ‘What are we doing tonight?’ and they said ‘your mom’. Like come on. That’s not even funny."
We also spoke with Peter, a sophomore, who recounted his experience with Mom’s Weekend: "My mother wants to take my friends out to dinner so she can meet them. The only problem is that whoever I mention it to immediately starts talking about how they ‘can’t wait to go out with my mother’. Jesus. We aren’t 10 anymore guys."
Our correspondents noted that they would’ve had time to interview more people for this story if they didn’t have plans with my mom tonight.
In some outstanding news today, the Nightly Illini is launching. Congratulations to you for hearing this joyous news. We look forward to blowing your mind with excellent content.
Following his victory in the 2022 Illinois Student Government elections, the Student Body President Elect Garret Forrest, along with running mate Vindhya Kalipi, organized a rally on the quad yesterday to thank their supporters.
Portions of his speech were dedicated to the outpouring of support from supporters that carried him to victory, as well as a bold reaffirmation of his campaign promises. He then mingled with the crowd, and personally shook every hand, a task made much easier by the fact that there were zero other people in attendance.
“I’m so grateful to you all,” the president-elect said to nobody. “It’s all thanks to your support that I’m here!”, said the man standing on the quad, shouting to an empty crowd.
While giving his speech, a handful of students walked by. We questioned one of them, Annie, to see her thoughts on the direction Garret Forrest is taking our student body. She answered our question with two questions: “Who is Garret Forrest? And since when did we have a student government?”
Our correspondent leaves us with a few more questions themselves. If a politician makes a promise, and no one cares to hear it, did the promise ever mean anything? And where the hell did Forrest get all those fireworks and parade floats from?
ISR is considered by many to be the nicest dorm in the University. It only takes a glance at the décor to tell it’s expensive, and it only takes a glance at the students to tell they’re all engineers. But venture beyond the lobby with the tastefully placed couches, and you will hear a debate raging over the sound of “Gangsta’s Paradise”. A single question rings loudly: does the playlist manager deserve a fat raise or to be discharged dishonorably?
We interviewed some students on the scene, and over the sound of “Cotton Eye Joe”, Susanne disgustedly said, "Play a radio station or something. If you want to listen to your motley playlist of nostalgic but obnoxious hits, put in headphones. Why do we have to be subjected to this?"
We also asked Carl, a freshman mechanical engineering major, whether ISR’s playlist manager is doing a good job. With “Life is a Highway” playing in the background, Carl simply retorted: "The music sorta slaps. Give that man a fat raise."
Writing on a hexagonally shaped table jamming out to Tom Petty’s “Free Fallin’”, this is David. Over and out.
In the face of a recent surge in crime on campus, university tour guides have opted for a bold new solution to protect prospective visitors: giving each visitor a complimentary handgun, along with 12 bullets.
This innovative new policy promises to completely deter criminals and various undesirables, such as harassers, solicitors, the homeless, and students still afraid to die, from entering a 20 meter radius around tour groups, ensuring complete safety.
Our correspondent was capable of reaching Mr. Shoot, head of public relations and chief architect of this new policy, who noted the necessity of this measure, saying, “Danger could strike any moment that visitors are on campus”, while citing the 21 reported instances of firearm discharge since the policy was instituted yesterday.
Responses to further questions were precluded, as Mr. Shoot became belligerent and reached towards his hip, at which point our brave correspondent quickly excused themselves from the room.
In some outstanding news today, the Nightly Illini is launching. Congratulations to you for hearing this joyous news. We look forward to blowing your mind with excellent content.
This Saturday, Villanova beat Houston in a 50-44 game, knocking the Cougars out of March Madness. In this dominating performance, the Wildcats played solidly and kept their lead throughout the whole game. Yesterday, Kansas won the whole tournament.
Despite this, Craig, the winner of your March Madness bracket pool, remains very smug that he predicted Houston would go to the end, exclaiming, “I knew from the beginning Houston had potential.”
Reportedly, Craig has been saying the following to anyone who would listen: “A lot of my fellow students were upset with me when they saw I predicted Illinois would lose in the second round against Houston. I think if they wanted to win the bracket pool, they shouldn’t have looked at our school's chances with rose-tinted glasses. That’s all I’m saying.”
Some other students have described Craig as “a jerk” and “the guy with the least school spirit in our pool,” but Craig maintains that he “was just being realistic.”
The University recently conducted a study to determine student satisfaction and enjoyment of courses on campus. Surprisingly, 0% of the students surveyed about an 8am CHEM 103 lab reported being satisfied with the class.
According to Isabel, class of ‘24, “I started the semester so excited to learn about how molecules interact, but I wake up at 7 every Monday to get to class and I’m just like damn.”
We also interviewed Jacob, class of ‘23, who had severe bags under his eyes. His opinion of CHEM 103 was no less severe: “When I get out of bed before the sun has even risen I have to think that God is dead.”
Even the TA’s showed no enthusiasm for the course. Jennifer, a grad student studying chemistry, noted, “I’m a woman of science and I don’t believe in the supernatural, but when I enter that room it feels like a ghost sucked the life out of every one of those students.”
Thus far, the University has declined to respond to calls for this "great sin against everything good about this world" to be disbanded, but students remain hopeful that the pleas of the chemically damned will one day be heard.
The University’s most awkward annual tradition, Mom’s Weekend, is happening from April 1st-3rd. Our correspondents on the scene report that "your mom" jokes have increased by 3000% on a week over week basis.
We interviewed a freshman student, Alex on the quad. "I asked the guys ‘What are we doing tonight?’ and they said ‘your mom’. Like come on. That’s not even funny."
We also spoke with Peter, a sophomore, who recounted his experience with Mom’s Weekend: "My mother wants to take my friends out to dinner so she can meet them. The only problem is that whoever I mention it to immediately starts talking about how they ‘can’t wait to go out with my mother’. Jesus. We aren’t 10 anymore guys."
Our correspondents noted that they would’ve had time to interview more people for this story if they didn’t have plans with my mom tonight.