Following an anonymous donation of $200 million to the university trust, as well as donations of undisclosed values to the accounts of several high ranking members of the university administration, the University of Illinois at Urbana Champaign has finalized its decision to open a new college focusing exclusively on public policy.
At a press conference following the announcement, a representative of the university made bold promises regarding the new college, declaring that their classes will be “unparalleled by any law-abiding university” and that they will “help students achieve their goals by any means possible”. Indeed, the university has already secured the ability for future students to obtain working experience through partnerships with several nationally prominent politicians.
New buildings planned for the college include a fake prison, which the university touts as “a way to prepare students for any real world scenario, no matter how unlikely”, as well as a field of shallow graves already dug, waiting to be filled with the bodies of suicide victims who died in improbable ways.
The university also addressed some concerns regarding the new college. In response to questions raised about morality, the university gave the following statement:
“Well, you raise a great question about that, and I think it’s one that is really important to our core values as an institution of higher education. In these challenging times, the question you asked is especially important, so I want to let you know that we are carefully considering the answers to these questions. Now more than ever, we really have to work together to reach our goals, which include providing students from all backgrounds and identities an equitable and fair environment for learning. By the way, did you know that Tim Killeen caught COVID-19?”
Further questions were met with accusations of being un-American, as well as a variety of pleas to “consider the children” who might be deprived of such a world-class education should the college be canceled.
News broke tonight that in a heartbreaking environmental disaster, party animals at the AEPi house got stuck to the floor after a large beer spill. Reportedly, pledges were trying to bring over a keg with a tight deadline, and in their rush they were capsized, spilling their precious load.
Sources report that the party animals are helplessly flailing their arms to the beat of “All Night Longer” by Sammy Adams as they remain glued to the sticky floor. No comment has been made by Natural Light, the supplier of the beer that so tragically was spilled in transit.
The Panhellenic Council environmental division sent in a cleanup crew, but the bulk of the damage has already been done, as the environment for the party animals’ mating ceremony is already spoiled. The Council hopes for the spill to be contained and cleaned by Saturday morning.
Nothing brings out my inner child better than climbable trees. Their boughs transport me to a more carefree time when Canvas was still something you painted on. Yet when it comes time to grab the bark, I always catch myself. Surely it wouldn’t be acceptable for me to just climb a tree in front of everyone like that. Right?
To be sure, I spoke with our resident expert on tree climbing: Ash Oakbirch. “When considering a possible action, you always have to weigh its costs and benefits,” Ash shouted to me. "The benefit of climbing a tree is obvious. The cost is less so," he yelled from atop a dope looking tree.
Ash further noted that “if you’re walking with someone you want to impress, it’s ideal to pick a climbable but scary tree that you have done many times before. If you are just with friends, then feel free to pick whatever tree fits your fancy.”
Since talking to Ash, I have taken his lessons to heart. To all the haters, I’ll be looking down at you from the best seat on the Quad.
As students awoke this morning, the Ikenberry Commons Index was at a 22-semester low of 40 corn kernels per dining dollar. This drop follows a lower-than-usual yield from the Morrow Plots, which has called into question the efficacy of the Jones Administration.
Although everyone may have noticed a rise in week-to-week expenses, some students have been hit harder than others. A report from the University Bursar SMMC stated that over 20% of students have been unable to afford all of their basic necessities.
“I used to be able to go to 57 North and get a $1 pretzel with free cheese sauce every day after smoking a bowl,” reported one Snyder Hall resident. “But now I can’t even buy 6 bags of Trolli sour gummy worms without using my parents’ credit card.”
Chancellor Jones in his “State of the Campus” speech last week addressed student concerns about rising prices.
“Financial crisis has struck across the globe, but our reserves of Illini Cash continue to stand strong against more volatile currencies like BoilerBucks or the US Dollar.”
It’s yet to be seen if Jones will be able to weather the storm and increase confidence in the campus currency.
Leslie and Sarah both went to the same high school. They were in the same chemistry class their sophomore year, the same math class their junior year, and the same English class their senior year. However, the two students never had a conversation of more than 10 seconds with each other in the three years they went to high school together.
Now, the pair are living on the same floor of their dorm, and Leslie passes Sarah every day on her walk to Physics 212. For many, being in such close proximity would lead to some amount of awkward small talk, but not for Sarah and Leslie. When asked how she manages this, Sarah said, “I just pretend not to recognise her. It’s really easy because she changed her hairstyle and lost a few pounds since high school, so I can imagine she’s a completely different person.”
We also asked Leslie what she does to avoid this mildly awkward interaction. She responded by saying that she “changed her hairstyle and started working out so nobody from that [expletive] high school would recognise her.”
For many, Leslie and Sarah’s story is inspiring, representing the hope that your high school days can be quickly forgotten.
Earlier today, we interviewed Alvin, a local squirrel who is very tired of people calling him a chipmunk. He is a junior currently studying Anatomy, or as the University calls it, “Animal Sciences”. When he is not studying, Alvin loves to hang out with his squirrel friends.
This semester, Alvin, like many other students, wanted to participate in RSO’s (Registered Squirrel Organizations) to be more involved with campus life. According to him “I loved the people-watching club in high school, but in college I just haven’t gotten around to going to club meetings. Yesterday, I decided to change that.”
Resolved to be more involved, Alvin went to a club meeting only to find that “people-watching just isn’t the same on campus. Why do the people around here just sit around on their computers all day?”
In a heartfelt plea, Alvin ended the interview by asking us to publish his story with the hope that the people will read it and go outside more. If not for yourselves, do it for Alvin.
Bella, a socially conscious sophomore, attended a barn dance with Outdoor Adventure Club last weekend. She reportedly had some reservations about barn dances representing a form of cultural appropriation, in which students, typically from suburban backgrounds, come to a barn to “cosplay as country-folk for the night.” Bella objected mildly to the premise of a barn dance, noting “a mishmash of country paraphernalia such as flannels, cowboy hats, denim jeans with white t-shirts, and authentic Missourian meth certainly feels very similar to dressing up as another culture for Halloween. That’s gotta be sort of wrong.”
Despite her lukewarm rebukes against widespread cultural appropriation, Bella still went to last weekend’s barn dance and enjoyed herself. “I’m not going to lie, I had a good time. When the farmer took us for a hay ride it was so fun. I just wish I could look at my reflection without feeling guilty.”
Other students, hearing of Bella’s predicament, resolved not to think about it too hard.
Following an anonymous donation of $200 million to the university trust, as well as donations of undisclosed values to the accounts of several high ranking members of the university administration, the University of Illinois at Urbana Champaign has finalized its decision to open a new college focusing exclusively on public policy.
At a press conference following the announcement, a representative of the university made bold promises regarding the new college, declaring that their classes will be “unparalleled by any law-abiding university” and that they will “help students achieve their goals by any means possible”. Indeed, the university has already secured the ability for future students to obtain working experience through partnerships with several nationally prominent politicians.
New buildings planned for the college include a fake prison, which the university touts as “a way to prepare students for any real world scenario, no matter how unlikely”, as well as a field of shallow graves already dug, waiting to be filled with the bodies of suicide victims who died in improbable ways.
The university also addressed some concerns regarding the new college. In response to questions raised about morality, the university gave the following statement:
“Well, you raise a great question about that, and I think it’s one that is really important to our core values as an institution of higher education. In these challenging times, the question you asked is especially important, so I want to let you know that we are carefully considering the answers to these questions. Now more than ever, we really have to work together to reach our goals, which include providing students from all backgrounds and identities an equitable and fair environment for learning. By the way, did you know that Tim Killeen caught COVID-19?”
Further questions were met with accusations of being un-American, as well as a variety of pleas to “consider the children” who might be deprived of such a world-class education should the college be canceled.
Nothing brings out my inner child better than climbable trees. Their boughs transport me to a more carefree time when Canvas was still something you painted on. Yet when it comes time to grab the bark, I always catch myself. Surely it wouldn’t be acceptable for me to just climb a tree in front of everyone like that. Right?
To be sure, I spoke with our resident expert on tree climbing: Ash Oakbirch. “When considering a possible action, you always have to weigh its costs and benefits,” Ash shouted to me. "The benefit of climbing a tree is obvious. The cost is less so," he yelled from atop a dope looking tree.
Ash further noted that “if you’re walking with someone you want to impress, it’s ideal to pick a climbable but scary tree that you have done many times before. If you are just with friends, then feel free to pick whatever tree fits your fancy.”
Since talking to Ash, I have taken his lessons to heart. To all the haters, I’ll be looking down at you from the best seat on the Quad.
Leslie and Sarah both went to the same high school. They were in the same chemistry class their sophomore year, the same math class their junior year, and the same English class their senior year. However, the two students never had a conversation of more than 10 seconds with each other in the three years they went to high school together.
Now, the pair are living on the same floor of their dorm, and Leslie passes Sarah every day on her walk to Physics 212. For many, being in such close proximity would lead to some amount of awkward small talk, but not for Sarah and Leslie. When asked how she manages this, Sarah said, “I just pretend not to recognise her. It’s really easy because she changed her hairstyle and lost a few pounds since high school, so I can imagine she’s a completely different person.”
We also asked Leslie what she does to avoid this mildly awkward interaction. She responded by saying that she “changed her hairstyle and started working out so nobody from that [expletive] high school would recognise her.”
For many, Leslie and Sarah’s story is inspiring, representing the hope that your high school days can be quickly forgotten.
Bella, a socially conscious sophomore, attended a barn dance with Outdoor Adventure Club last weekend. She reportedly had some reservations about barn dances representing a form of cultural appropriation, in which students, typically from suburban backgrounds, come to a barn to “cosplay as country-folk for the night.” Bella objected mildly to the premise of a barn dance, noting “a mishmash of country paraphernalia such as flannels, cowboy hats, denim jeans with white t-shirts, and authentic Missourian meth certainly feels very similar to dressing up as another culture for Halloween. That’s gotta be sort of wrong.”
Despite her lukewarm rebukes against widespread cultural appropriation, Bella still went to last weekend’s barn dance and enjoyed herself. “I’m not going to lie, I had a good time. When the farmer took us for a hay ride it was so fun. I just wish I could look at my reflection without feeling guilty.”
Other students, hearing of Bella’s predicament, resolved not to think about it too hard.
News broke tonight that in a heartbreaking environmental disaster, party animals at the AEPi house got stuck to the floor after a large beer spill. Reportedly, pledges were trying to bring over a keg with a tight deadline, and in their rush they were capsized, spilling their precious load.
Sources report that the party animals are helplessly flailing their arms to the beat of “All Night Longer” by Sammy Adams as they remain glued to the sticky floor. No comment has been made by Natural Light, the supplier of the beer that so tragically was spilled in transit.
The Panhellenic Council environmental division sent in a cleanup crew, but the bulk of the damage has already been done, as the environment for the party animals’ mating ceremony is already spoiled. The Council hopes for the spill to be contained and cleaned by Saturday morning.
As students awoke this morning, the Ikenberry Commons Index was at a 22-semester low of 40 corn kernels per dining dollar. This drop follows a lower-than-usual yield from the Morrow Plots, which has called into question the efficacy of the Jones Administration.
Although everyone may have noticed a rise in week-to-week expenses, some students have been hit harder than others. A report from the University Bursar SMMC stated that over 20% of students have been unable to afford all of their basic necessities.
“I used to be able to go to 57 North and get a $1 pretzel with free cheese sauce every day after smoking a bowl,” reported one Snyder Hall resident. “But now I can’t even buy 6 bags of Trolli sour gummy worms without using my parents’ credit card.”
Chancellor Jones in his “State of the Campus” speech last week addressed student concerns about rising prices.
“Financial crisis has struck across the globe, but our reserves of Illini Cash continue to stand strong against more volatile currencies like BoilerBucks or the US Dollar.”
It’s yet to be seen if Jones will be able to weather the storm and increase confidence in the campus currency.
Earlier today, we interviewed Alvin, a local squirrel who is very tired of people calling him a chipmunk. He is a junior currently studying Anatomy, or as the University calls it, “Animal Sciences”. When he is not studying, Alvin loves to hang out with his squirrel friends.
This semester, Alvin, like many other students, wanted to participate in RSO’s (Registered Squirrel Organizations) to be more involved with campus life. According to him “I loved the people-watching club in high school, but in college I just haven’t gotten around to going to club meetings. Yesterday, I decided to change that.”
Resolved to be more involved, Alvin went to a club meeting only to find that “people-watching just isn’t the same on campus. Why do the people around here just sit around on their computers all day?”
In a heartfelt plea, Alvin ended the interview by asking us to publish his story with the hope that the people will read it and go outside more. If not for yourselves, do it for Alvin.