On October 5th, 2020, Chancellor Jones signed the Illinois Climate Action Plan, a plan intending to ensure that the University reaches complete carbon neutrality by 2050. Today, students celebrated Earth Day by running widespread demonstrations protesting the University’s push towards a neutral stance on carbon.
One protester named Sarah proclaimed, “Martin Luther King once said, ‘The hottest place in Hell is reserved for those who remain neutral in times of great moral conflict.’ The University can not and should not remain neutral on carbon emissions. This policy of carbon neutrality will damn us all!”
The University has not made an official response to the protests. However, counter-protesters have noted that neutrality worked pretty well for Switzerland in WWII, so it may well work for this climate crisis.
Earlier today, the University unveiled their newest addition to campus: the Clay Material Science Building. In a very predictable twist, the building was made completely out of reddish-brown brick. One student commented that “this new building fits in really well with our style,” while pointing to the wrong building. Another student walked straight past the building, asking our correspondent, “Where is the new building?”
The construction of the Clay Material Science Building cost the University around $50 million, $3 million of which was earmarked for commissioning the architectural design of the building. However, John, a junior majoring in Architectural Studies, says that he could just have easily copied and pasted the design of the neighboring building and he would only charge $5.
University faculty are reportedly very excited to begin experiments at the new labs housed within the Clay Material Science Building. Some have even speculated that with all the extra space in this generically textured building, researchers might discover a new building material.
As springtime returns to campus, the birds return along with it, and so too does the Illinois’ large bike population. On a nice afternoon, one can see bikes joyfully taking to the streets with their owners in tow, without a care in the world. Then, when they reach their destination, they rest up and socialize with other bikes at the University’s world class bike racks.
However, if you venture to the bad side of Allen Hall, you will see a sight that speaks of terrible horrors: a single bike wheel chained to a bike rack. One can only imagine what kinds of circumstances that led to this atrocity.
Let this be a lesson to all good bike owners that care for their loving vehicle. A bike lock should secure both the frame and the wheels. Please good citizens, spare a thought for your poor bike before you leave it alone, afraid, and undefended.
Barry Lawrence, a 72 year old tenured professor of sociology, unpromptedly announced in his class today that he is ready to hop on the “Gravy train.” When questioned by an inquisitive student, Lawrence elaborated that as a professor of sociology, he is obliged to keep up with the times, so he will be attending Yung Gravy’s April 24th concert on the quad. The concert is free to all students with I-Cards, but it is unclear if Professor Lawrence will be allowed to watch the concert.
Furthermore, attendees are not allowed to bring any bags to the concert, but they are encouraged to bring a clear water bottle. Professor Lawrence reportedly plans on bringing a water bottle full of gravy to express his enthusiasm for the yung artist.
When we asked the professor if he had ever heard any of Yung Gravy’s songs, he hesitated for a moment before quietly responding, “No.” Professor Lawrence’s students are reportedly simultaneously excited and nervous to see his reaction to Yung Gravy’s music.
As spring eventually, hopefully – maybe – comes around this year, students and townies alike are advised to keep their eyes to the sky. Lucky watchers will hopefully get to see Gies College of Business students take flight on the last part of their northern migration. Finally crossing the Great Lakes, the students can make it back to their breeding grounds of Canada for the summer.
Until then, the Gies students remain on campus, resting up for the grueling last leg of their annual journey. Head fellow of the school of ornithology, Dr. Argrågås recommends that students should conduct their business as usual. “The hissing is normal and shouldn’t be taken personally. [They] are quite pent up from the longer than usual winter,” he says. Pedestrians have raised complaints about how the herds of business students block off sidewalks, building entrances, and sometimes even road traffic, but Argrågås gives his guarantee that the Gies are all honk and no bite.
This is an on the ground reporter for the Nightly Illini, still hiding from a flock in BIF, signing off.
University policy dictates that upon receiving a positive test for coronavirus, students must self-isolate for 7-14 days. This being the case, students who are unable to isolate at their residence are forced into isolation dorms the university has set aside. Students describe conditions as “awesome” and “the best part of my college experience.”
“I had my own room, food was delivered to me daily, and I didn’t have to take any tests,” said Charlene, just after leaving isolation. “Now that I’m back in society I’m struggling to catch up with my classwork and I can’t help but think that it was better there.”
The conditions are so “awesome” that one student, Jeff, refuses to leave, saying “I’ve found inner peace in here, while laying in bed watching anime.” Reportedly, the university is forcing Jeff out as soon as they can find security guards willing to enter the COVID dorm, but Jeff says that in this eventuality he will just do his best to contract COVID again.
In Champaign, bars only allow entry to people 19 or older during bar hours. However, people under the age of 21 in Illinois are not legally allowed to buy or possess alcohol. Thus, while 19 and 20 year olds can legally enter bars, if they do, they have to stand around soberly. To an outside observer, this prospect seems pretty dull.
It isn’t dull to Michael, who will turn 19 on April 10th. “I just can't wait to go to Joe’s and stand in a non-intoxicated manner! I’ll have so much fun dancing and talking, all without drinking. Then, at maybe 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning I’ll leave and go to Fat Sandwich while being sober as a judge,” said the soon to be 19-year old.
While Michael’s enthusiasm may be perplexing, even more perplexing is the prevalence of his attitude. Several other students claimed to want to go to bars despite being below the legal age of consumption of alcohol.
Our reporters are excellent at detective work, but some mysteries are too difficult to unravel. Perhaps this is a case of group insanity, or perhaps there is something deeper at play. Only time will tell.
On October 5th, 2020, Chancellor Jones signed the Illinois Climate Action Plan, a plan intending to ensure that the University reaches complete carbon neutrality by 2050. Today, students celebrated Earth Day by running widespread demonstrations protesting the University’s push towards a neutral stance on carbon.
One protester named Sarah proclaimed, “Martin Luther King once said, ‘The hottest place in Hell is reserved for those who remain neutral in times of great moral conflict.’ The University can not and should not remain neutral on carbon emissions. This policy of carbon neutrality will damn us all!”
The University has not made an official response to the protests. However, counter-protesters have noted that neutrality worked pretty well for Switzerland in WWII, so it may well work for this climate crisis.
As springtime returns to campus, the birds return along with it, and so too does the Illinois’ large bike population. On a nice afternoon, one can see bikes joyfully taking to the streets with their owners in tow, without a care in the world. Then, when they reach their destination, they rest up and socialize with other bikes at the University’s world class bike racks.
However, if you venture to the bad side of Allen Hall, you will see a sight that speaks of terrible horrors: a single bike wheel chained to a bike rack. One can only imagine what kinds of circumstances that led to this atrocity.
Let this be a lesson to all good bike owners that care for their loving vehicle. A bike lock should secure both the frame and the wheels. Please good citizens, spare a thought for your poor bike before you leave it alone, afraid, and undefended.
As spring eventually, hopefully – maybe – comes around this year, students and townies alike are advised to keep their eyes to the sky. Lucky watchers will hopefully get to see Gies College of Business students take flight on the last part of their northern migration. Finally crossing the Great Lakes, the students can make it back to their breeding grounds of Canada for the summer.
Until then, the Gies students remain on campus, resting up for the grueling last leg of their annual journey. Head fellow of the school of ornithology, Dr. Argrågås recommends that students should conduct their business as usual. “The hissing is normal and shouldn’t be taken personally. [They] are quite pent up from the longer than usual winter,” he says. Pedestrians have raised complaints about how the herds of business students block off sidewalks, building entrances, and sometimes even road traffic, but Argrågås gives his guarantee that the Gies are all honk and no bite.
This is an on the ground reporter for the Nightly Illini, still hiding from a flock in BIF, signing off.
In Champaign, bars only allow entry to people 19 or older during bar hours. However, people under the age of 21 in Illinois are not legally allowed to buy or possess alcohol. Thus, while 19 and 20 year olds can legally enter bars, if they do, they have to stand around soberly. To an outside observer, this prospect seems pretty dull.
It isn’t dull to Michael, who will turn 19 on April 10th. “I just can't wait to go to Joe’s and stand in a non-intoxicated manner! I’ll have so much fun dancing and talking, all without drinking. Then, at maybe 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning I’ll leave and go to Fat Sandwich while being sober as a judge,” said the soon to be 19-year old.
While Michael’s enthusiasm may be perplexing, even more perplexing is the prevalence of his attitude. Several other students claimed to want to go to bars despite being below the legal age of consumption of alcohol.
Our reporters are excellent at detective work, but some mysteries are too difficult to unravel. Perhaps this is a case of group insanity, or perhaps there is something deeper at play. Only time will tell.
Earlier today, the University unveiled their newest addition to campus: the Clay Material Science Building. In a very predictable twist, the building was made completely out of reddish-brown brick. One student commented that “this new building fits in really well with our style,” while pointing to the wrong building. Another student walked straight past the building, asking our correspondent, “Where is the new building?”
The construction of the Clay Material Science Building cost the University around $50 million, $3 million of which was earmarked for commissioning the architectural design of the building. However, John, a junior majoring in Architectural Studies, says that he could just have easily copied and pasted the design of the neighboring building and he would only charge $5.
University faculty are reportedly very excited to begin experiments at the new labs housed within the Clay Material Science Building. Some have even speculated that with all the extra space in this generically textured building, researchers might discover a new building material.
Barry Lawrence, a 72 year old tenured professor of sociology, unpromptedly announced in his class today that he is ready to hop on the “Gravy train.” When questioned by an inquisitive student, Lawrence elaborated that as a professor of sociology, he is obliged to keep up with the times, so he will be attending Yung Gravy’s April 24th concert on the quad. The concert is free to all students with I-Cards, but it is unclear if Professor Lawrence will be allowed to watch the concert.
Furthermore, attendees are not allowed to bring any bags to the concert, but they are encouraged to bring a clear water bottle. Professor Lawrence reportedly plans on bringing a water bottle full of gravy to express his enthusiasm for the yung artist.
When we asked the professor if he had ever heard any of Yung Gravy’s songs, he hesitated for a moment before quietly responding, “No.” Professor Lawrence’s students are reportedly simultaneously excited and nervous to see his reaction to Yung Gravy’s music.
University policy dictates that upon receiving a positive test for coronavirus, students must self-isolate for 7-14 days. This being the case, students who are unable to isolate at their residence are forced into isolation dorms the university has set aside. Students describe conditions as “awesome” and “the best part of my college experience.”
“I had my own room, food was delivered to me daily, and I didn’t have to take any tests,” said Charlene, just after leaving isolation. “Now that I’m back in society I’m struggling to catch up with my classwork and I can’t help but think that it was better there.”
The conditions are so “awesome” that one student, Jeff, refuses to leave, saying “I’ve found inner peace in here, while laying in bed watching anime.” Reportedly, the university is forcing Jeff out as soon as they can find security guards willing to enter the COVID dorm, but Jeff says that in this eventuality he will just do his best to contract COVID again.